Friday, July 27, 2012

Long Time Coming

Disclaimer: This particular post will be rambly, like super rambly. Don't expect my best writing, I've just got to get some stuff off my chest. I won't be offended if you choose not to continue reading, really.

So, as many of your may or may not know, there have been some changes in my life recently. But in order to understand those changes you need some back story. The past six years my closest friend and confidant has been my main object of interest and desire. We've gone through many ups and downs together, we shared all of our secrets and spent countless hours together. We started college together and I helped him through his darkest moments. During that time there have been fights, dramatic displays of emotion (both good and bad) and many confusing moments. Despite all of this, we had been able to remain close. He's chosen other girls over me only to come back and seek my friendship and that close bond we share. It's been hard, I won't lie. I had given him all my heart only in hopes that someday he would fully trust me with his.

A few months ago, I thought that point had finally come. On Easter Sunday, this dear friend of mine and I had a discussion. One in which he told me his true feelings, he expressed feelings of love and gratitude. He also expressed that he wanted to be with me, that to him I would make the perfect wife and the perfect mother to his children. No, this wasn't a marriage proposal, but it was a step in the direction I had been waiting so long to go. Needless to say, I was thrilled but also taken back. He had to go back to school a few hours away, but we had come to an unspoken agreement that we were really going to try and have a real relationship.

The next few weeks were filled with anticipation of what would come, I was on cloud nine and had a constant grin plastered on my face. But that lofty, wonderful state was torn from my hands. The very end of the Spring Semester, a friend of mine texted me and told me that he had a girlfriend down at school. I was devastated. Of course, I called him, he quickly became defensive and told me I had nothing to worry about. He reassured me that we would talk when he got home for good that coming weekend. Despite what he told me I had a queasy feeling that I couldn't shake. When we finally got a chance to speak face to face I learned that feeling was one that was validated. He shared with me that he had met a wonderful girl down at school, that she was different and he had never felt that way before, when he had practically told me the same things just two weeks prior. He told me that he didn't see us being together that way but that he wanted to remain best friends. And with that, he ended our friendship. I knew I couldn't go on only getting small portions of I wanted, he had broken my heart a few too many times. Never anything serious before, nothing that a simple splint could heal, but this time he shattered it. I got up and walked away.

The past few months I've been attempting to let myself heal and get over him for the final time. It's been rough, but I've been strong and have been able to get through it. While I've been keeping my chin up, he's been falling in love with this new girl. I've had to avoid hanging out with certain friends because I couldn't bear to see him. As much as it has sucked, I'm proud of myself for being as strong as I have. Last night big news broke, he proposed and she said yes. They're now engaged to be married; I've been receiving an onslaught of Facebook messages and texts, people wanting to know if I was ok. This is me, letting you know that I'm ok. Yes, it hurts and I'm not happy about it. But I've realized in the past few months that even though he has been my best friend for six years, I've never deserved to be treated the way he treated me. It's been hard to lose my closest friend, but it's something that had to be done. I also know now that deserve so much better. So, for the time being, I'm fine and I'll only be getting better. I appreciate all the concern that everyone has shown me, but you don't need to worry I'm a tough girl and I'll be able to get through this, and come out stronger than ever before.

2 comments:

  1. you rock bethany. keep it up!

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  2. Girl,

    My heart just broke for you! I went thru the exact same thing back in April. It's the worst feeling ever! You're amazing! His loss. That won't help now- but in time it will :)

    lachelewickens.blogspot.com

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